George in Cat | The Ohio Union
Any? "We clean up all the stuff and walk out. Any and Ryan on the High Street side,"
“Between that friend of yours and me, neither of us wants half of you. It’d make a horrid mess on the carpet.” - That does deserve a slug.
Again, a nice scene.
Cat in George | High Street
Hmmm. So, if Cat stays in George's world, she'll have to find a story to explain the change in interests. "She" used to do the Star Fleet Battles and now shows no desire. It should be easy enough to pander off, particularly if she just points to Lena and says "Girlfriends can be quite distracting." Then Cat can just let the game wither away from George's old (and her new) life. Same way to explain the "new" interest in RP.
George in Cat | Jones Tower, 10 A.M.
"Cat didn’t like the wet dreams and played with himself and then he could pass through. He said something about if we’re stuck like this, we needed to take ownership of our bodies."
It's interesting how we can change the gender pronouns associated with proper names given enough time and thought.
" “It works too well. Look at how big the stone is and how small the ripples on the pond are. Whoever did this is just amazingly good. So, you’ll find something, somehow.” "
Ah, but exactly how big is the stone? Is it big because it's truly big or is it big because the ones measuring it are smaller than they think? Is it a boulder before humans or a pebble before ants?
It's a nice scene. I really like it. :)
Cat in George | Jones Tower, 10 A.M.
"No idea how you can be in two places at once, though." - They are so busted.
"Not sure if it’s just us, or the entire room. It had to be just us the first few days, but now? How else can we redecorate that building that way?” - I think your second sentence should be broken into two: It had to be just us the first few days. But now?
" “Says she tried, but— I think she needs to figure out how to get into the mood.”
Lena smiles wickedly. “She’ll figure it out. We all do.”
Ah, the pain is the love triangle.
George in Cat | In the car
I'd recommend a change in the opening paragraph to avoid uncertainty:
"Like last week, I end up as the last one in the car with her Kate after Nick and Nicole have been dropped off."
“Kate to Cat?”
The names still make smile. “Yes. Your turn.”
"Names still make smile?" Is that a Dutchism? I'm not sure what you are trying to say.
Verb tense is a bit off here. Does this seem better?
Damn. Why do I have to hurt you? “Diana made us try a scientific experiment.”
She smiles. “I’ve got to hear this.”
“She had us sit down on a park bench and have him had Mark put his arm around me.”
Good points. Changes made.
(Not a Dutchicism, btw, just a missing word. I'm really good at those.)