Cat in George | Jones Tower
So now I know the calligraphy mentioned in the first post.Quote:
And I’m so scared. I want a friend to hold me, tell me it’s OK. We’d both know it isn’t, but it still helps. I—
I’m going to fail so bad.
I’m sorry George. You should have swapped with someone stronger.
WTF? I don't get this reaction at all. We've moved from being in different bodies to understanding cleanly that there was a swap to now "should have swapped with someone stronger?" How do we know they both wanted a "swap?" And she assumes they swapped (part of that "too clean" transfer) but as an outside party reader my suspension of disbelief hasn't been hit yet. I'm having a hard time accepting the characterizations and stories right now. I'm not getting drawn in.
George in Cat | On the Oval
General Rosemeyer - I had to go to Wikipedia to find out who Gen Rosemeyer was. One more movie reference I didn't get.Quote:- Makes me think this is being written as fan appeal (sorry, brainfarting on the right word). People just walk. How would George know he is walking "like a girl" if he's not watching himself in a mirror or window reflection. There isn't a "feeling" of walking like a girl unless you are trying to exaggerate the hell out of it.
I’m walking like a girl without even thinking about it.
Thomas Covenant - back to Wikipedia I go. Hmmm, heard of Donaldson but never heard of Covenant.
Morn Hyland - I'm not even going to look that one up. I will just assume it's another fantasy character I don't know.Quote:I think this would read better as a single sentence with proper grammar instead of two disjointed sentences. Not sure if you are after a disjointed thought process or not, though.
Her habits. Try to keep it so she can get back without strange questions.
George in Cat | Morning
Quote:- This seems downright silly. If it were a dream, there would be no problem. If it's not a dream, then muscle memory could conceivably kick in. And it's not like boobs are a 100 pound weight acting on a fulcrum to topple you.
Balance is going to be different. Will I even be ableQuote:- I wonder what George's wish was.
It was in the dream. I did make a wish yesterday.Quote:- This got a smile from me.
It’s— It could drive a guy nuts.
‘Guy’? And what nuts?
Cat | Afternoon, Near Lane Avenue Mall
“Alright, I believe ‘love’ is traditional.”
The annoyance returns. “I cannot change othe— Wait.” Her eyes glaze over for a moment. “Yes, it could be arranged in this case.”
It's not obvious how going from "I believe love is traditional" to the narrator wanting love. There's something missing in here that would make this transition believable. Right now it looks like both the narrator and the old lady is nuts.
From the last piece:Quote:Is Elwing the thing on the poster or the calligraphy that was covered up? My initial impression was that the line in italics was the calligraphy but now with the narrator smiling at Elwing I'm guessing it's the thing on the poster.
The door— somebody has taped a poster to my door, covering the bit of calligraphy that was there. Elwing landing on Vingilot, wearing the last Silmaril. At least whoever did this understood the message he covered up and it’s a really nice picture.
I wonder if having knowledge of Tolkien's Silmarillion would help. I have no knowledge of it, so I hope I won't be lost without understanding the allusions and references that I feel are sure to be coming.
Feedback on site: The subject, if left blank, defaults to a portion of the first line. I don't like this. And where are my paragraph breaks!?!! I'd like to see white space between paragraphs. And indenting the paragraphs doesn't work either. It removes the white space I add.
"You can see a fair distance into the OSU campus from here and there’s no one there either. Come to think of it, I don’t see birds or anything either." - Why the change in perspective from second to first person? Seems odd.
"I have the scroll case, so the bus will come" - Bus arrival is based on having a scroll case?
Bus driver has tusks... I KNEW this was going to be interspecies!
"Maybe they all went to a concert? That’d be a stadium full to brag about. It might start listing if people weren’t spread evenly. Then you’d need a tug with a really long cable to pull it back. Hope it lists to the West. To the East, and the tug would have to be on the West side, so you’d need a cable across the Rockies. That can’t be good." - Now it's my turn to ask for subtitles. Or perhaps a hit of what you're tripping on.
"We roll forward until we’re completely enclosed by steel barred fence. I hear the clang as the gates behind us and behind the other bus close. The other bus is as empty as this one, with a single girl. She looks familiar, but I can’t remember from what." - I feel like this is the beginning of some strange JRPG.
"but then the first gates open for both buses...Where are we headed? Is it a good place or a bad one? Am I the lucky one, or is that girl escaping while I enter a hell hole?" - Oh, I finally understand the geography and had to go back to read that the two fences separate a type of killing zone. Maybe this could be a little clearer.
Seems to be a bit of a trippy piece. I'm not sure what is trying to be conveyed other than a dreamlike series of events. In fact, I wonder if this is in fact a dream where each jump/change in surroundings being a new REM period. I'll hold off judgement for now since I don't think I have enough of the story to decide if I like or dislike what is being done.